


Fit for Purpose

by narsus



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Incest, M/M, POV First Person, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-16
Updated: 2010-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-12 17:35:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/127305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narsus/pseuds/narsus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Acceptance, morality and humanity: Sherlock discovers just how changeable all three are.  Sherlock's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fit for Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Sherlock belongs to the BBC, Mark Gatiss & Steven Moffat and obviously in the genesis of it all to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

"When I said everything's alright..."

John. Ashamed. The truth, always tell the truth. Wasn't lying. Never lying. Everything. Everything? Hadn't thought of that. Everything. Anything. Moral relativism- no. No moral- Is John a psychopath? He doesn't care.

"Sherlock?"

Not listening. Can't listen. Need to figure it all out. How did- can't have- Bloody Mycroft. Afghanistan or Iraq? Stupid. Doesn't matter. Never- They don't promote fools.

"Sherlock? Are you listening to me?"

Of course not. Doesn't matter. No time. Time? All the time in the world. Oh. How long has- Do you- Am I...? Do I matter?

"Of course you do."  
"What?"  
"Of course you..."

Uncomfortable. What are you afraid of John Watson?

"Don't be thick."

Which of us...? Points on a chart. Statistics. Just another one. Mycroft always liked statistics. Numbers, people, wasted lives. What must it be like? How's the diet? Why does it matter? Even that- nothing. _Lets_ me win. No victory to be had. Just Mycroft and his charts and plans. Didn't think- Mustn't.

"You matter to me."

Earnest. Lying. Lies all the time. Everything is _alright_ isn't it, John? Everything. Because you don't- never cared. Must be so easy. _One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing_.

"Sherlock, are you listening?"

Mycroft worries, constantly. Does he even know what- Worry. Doesn't understand. It's a useful word, a _normal_ one. John doesn't care, Mycroft doesn't understand caring. Mycroft has rules. Rules to follow, rules to obey. Not human rules. John is a psychopath: Mycroft is a sociopath. Highly functioning sociopath. Nonsense. Words. Just words. Didn't mean it. Not really.

 

"Ran away from home did you, darling?"

Moriarty. Oddly, not satisfying. More human than- don't think- not about. More human. Not satisfying at all. All wrong.

"I wondered when you'd get fed up with your doctor."

No, you- He did. Predictable. Tired. Ugly. Skin sags, eyes unfocused, nails blunted. Dull. Useless sack of flesh. Pointless. Dying, decaying. Not interesting really. Use to be. Once.

"How about a kiss?"

Why not? Bite his tongue out. Watch him bleed. Might be interesting after all.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

Lestrade?

"Shouldn't you call an ambulance? He _is_ bleeding to death. Why do you have a gun anyway?"

Moriarty. Jim. Farewell, sweet prince... Lestrade won't call an ambulance in time. Can't. Too busy- taste of tobacco. Quitting not going so well after all. Firm grip. Solid body. Cold stone not so cold when- Not here. Can't think. Lestrade. Are all the men around me insane?

 

"Fit for purpose."

Ignoring it. Didn't listen anyway. Sore now. Don't care about Mycroft. Ache. Wish-

"You're not listening to me."

Of course not. You know it all anyway, my brother. Irony. Only sane man in an inane world. Mycroft, John, Lestrade. Deranged. Why? Only consistent factor- oh. Well. Maybe. Flattering. Didn't think I was- Can't stop smiling. Might be insane now as well.

"Good."

Good that I might be- Obvious of course. Obvious from the start. Too stupid to see it. Too many details. Always the details. Not wrong. Confusing. Too many. Pointless. It doesn't matter. Nothing- everything is alright. Good god-

"Good and evil are such arbitrary labels. All that matters is whether or not something is fit for purpose, regardless of what that purpose might be."

Absolute. Mycroft never wavers, never falters. Der Wille zur Macht: the will to power. What must it be like to be das Übermensch?

"Don't think such foolish things."

Not wrong, never wrong. Not about Mycroft. Not this time. Not moral relativism, not really. Would imply morals at all. No morality here. Absence of. Never existed. In theory only. The state is the highest unit of authority. Justice: the legitimate use of violence by the state. There is no such thing as good and evil.

"I..."

Can't say it. Won't confess. Mycroft. Have to say something.

"Ich habe Dich lieb."

Don't laugh! Stupid Mycroft. Can't say it. Tried to. Show some appreciation. Bastard.

"Ich lieb dich."

Oh. Weren't meant to- Not- Shouldn't really. Kissing Mycroft. Incest really. Not entirely- well, only illegal if- not _marrying_ him. Not illegal at all. Perfectly fine. Tastes of- Jägermeister? Dutch courage? How dare he!

"Was that really-"  
"Dutch courage, Mycroft? If you're going to kiss me again do it without the aid of alcohol."  
"It was a digestif after lunch."

Feel moderately bad now. Shouldn't have slapped him. Probably.

"Sorry. Kiss me again?"  
"I'd like to do more than kiss you."

Good. Sensible idea. Would like to- hungry. Missed lunch. John. Back at the flat. Will have to- might be wrong though. Was wrong before. Yesterday. Was it yesterday? Can't remember. John. Have to go back and- don't know. Have to though.

"We can arrange a better time for it of course."

Always. Sensible Mycroft. Wise? Perhaps. Inhuman. Like that. Not terribly fond of humans at all. Dull things, pointless. Not pointless. Not human. Don't want to be. Renounce it all.

 

"Where the hell have you been?"

John. Angry. Furious really. Potentially violent. Wonderful. Can't live without- Kiss him, hard. Good solution. Useful. Make note of that for future reference.

"I'm sorry."

Breathless. Exhilarated.

"Alright, well- Don't... don't run off like that again, okay? Have you been drinking?"  
"What? No. Mycroft. After lunch."  
"Mycroft was drinking after lunch?"  
"Yes..."

Thoughtful not suspicious. Why? John isn't shouting, just thinking.

"And I guess you weren't smoking either?"  
"Lestrade. Quitting's not working out for him."

John's grinning. Grinning? Laughing softly. Shakes his head. Still amused. Making tea. Why? Have just confessed to kissing two other men, one of whom is my own brother. Why is he still smiling?

"You might want to... be careful about that."  
"About what?"  
"You know, you and Mycroft. That kind of thing's not really..."  
"It's not illegal."  
"No, it's just- don't tell people. It's..."  
"Not good?"  
"Yeah, not really."

But why is it- Why is- Not human, not really. John doesn't care. It doesn't matter. Was he always...?

"Lestrade's a murderer."  
"What?"  
"He let Moriarty bleed to death. He could have gone for help."  
"He- Sherlock-"  
"Shot him and let him die. _Not_ very sporting."  
"Why did he...?"

John's expression. Realisation. Not right realisation though.

"You _seduced_ a police inspector while a suspect lay dying?"

Didn't. How very old fashioned. Didn't seduce anyone. Wouldn't know how to.

"I did nothing of the sort. He kissed me."  
"Probably to get you to stop talking."

John's grinning again. Odd. A man is dead, a police officer is... corrupted? John is making tea and grinning. Why?

"Are you thinking perverted thoughts about me?"  
"Yes actually, I am."

Didn't even bother to turn round. Is this _normal_ in the world of John Watson?

"What about Lestrade?"  
"I might have to take him out for a drink."  
"And my brother?"  
"He's not bad looking either."

Matter-of-fact. As if he's planned all this. No- as if he- as if it's all alright, whatever happens.

"John."  
"Yes?"  
"I've never had sex before. Someone's going to have to show me how it's done."

That gets him. Whirls round. Staring. Oh, yes. Hoping too. I can play this game as well, John.

"After all..."

Inspect nails. Watch him swallow, moisten dry lips with his tongue. Pretend not to watch at all.

"... I wouldn't want to disappoint Mycroft."

Flair of sudden anger in his eyes. Gone as quickly as it appears. Yes. Possessive. Can work with that. No such thing as good and evil. All that matters is whether or not something is fit for purpose. Think- am quite certain that I'm going to enjoy this.

**Author's Note:**

> Sherlock quotes Oscar Wilde's "One can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing" and references Nietzsche.
> 
> "Ich habe Dich lieb." Is a milder form of saying "I love you" and is more akin to saying that you're fond of someone in a platonic fashion. "Ich lieb dich" is of course the traditional "I love you" in a romantic context.


End file.
